Days 1 & 2

So, I'm sure I'm going to come up with other things to blog about while I'm working on this book that I've committed myself to. That means that I potentially might have a lot of blog posts going up... Or potentially not because I have to write 1000 words a day for my eBook, lol.

Saying that I'm doing pretty good I think... But then again I'm still in the stages that I've always managed to do in the past. I'm only on day 2 of my 30 day challenge. Days 1 and 2 were suppose to be for thinking about what I wanted to write about and asking others what they'd like to read about. Well, I thought about what I wanted to write about and I asked others. I wasn't expecting much feedback, I did get some and I'm very grateful to the people who decided to do that for me. I chose what I'm going to write about and I started my outline this morning. I'm not sure if I should put on here what it's about, I guess I'll figure that out later. I almost feel like that would be jinxing myself somehow.

I'm scared.

Okay, so I was writing my outline and Googled how to get published and scared the crap out of myself because I realized that I have no idea how to take that next step. Yes, I theoretically knew... and I thought I did know. I had a friend who did it. But guess what, I'm not friends with her anymore and she was my only link into the writing world. So, yes I scared myself. I started to hyperventilate thinking this is a huge waste of my time. I'll finish a book for the first time in my life and then have nothing to do with it.

Then I realized that I was as usual putting the cart before the horse (a saying I'm totally stealing from my boyfriend). I've got an outline. Yes, a lot of people plan who they're going to publish with and make all those other decisions before they start a book. They want to take sure that there is interest in this book that they plan to write. Well, you know what? I just want to finish it. I don't care if no one wants to buy it. Well, I do care a little. But I'll be very proud of myself if I manage this massive accomplishment.

When I finish this book I'll figure the rest out. I'll find an editor. I'll find a publisher. If it's good, it'll happen. If it sucks then I'll learn an important lesson. Maybe that lesson will be that I really am not meant to be a writer. Maybe it is just a crazy dream, much like the dreams of millions of people.

I guess in 30 days we'll find out huh? 

Accountability

I write a lot on here. I got to thinking about how I always wanted to be a writer. I realized that I already am in a way. Sure I only have a few 100 regular readers, but I'm still a writer.  Then I watched this movie Julie & Julia.

Yes, these two things are connected.

So, I didn't like the ending of the movie much but I did like the middle and the concept. So I've decided I'm going to do something starting today. It's probably a little insane considering all of the life changes I'm currently going through, but I feel like I need to for a number of reason.

Starting today I'm going to set out on a 20,000 word 30 day eBook challenge.

Yes I am quite possibly clinically insane. I'm recently divorced, trying to lose weight, in a new relationship, with a daughter and about to start back to work... but I'm going to add one more thing to that list of huge things I want and need to do.  Why on earth would I want to do that?

Well, that's simple to answer. I've never finished anything in my life. Or so I thought. I've started many stories and never finished a single one. Then I realized I have. I write in this blog. I finish it every time I publish a new entry. I was watching that movie Julie & Julia and realized that I have this need to finish a book. It's deep inside me. I always wanted to be a writer. Do I feel the need to an accomplished writer who makes lots of money? No. I just want to write. That's all. I just want to know that my words are out there. And if even one person reads it, that's enough.

So, I'm about to go for a run. After I do that I'm going to start on my new challenge.  I will try to write on here every day how I'm doing with my writing challenge.

Let the insanity begin.

On Being A Stay at Home Mom

I recently visited my family who lives 8 hours away. It was the first time that I really realized how different I am and how much they don't understand me. They seem confused by my choice to be a stay at home mom. They were shocked to discover that I would do this again if given the chance. Now that I'm returning to work everyone seems to think that I should be excited to return to the real world, excited to drop my child off in someone else's hands.

I'm not. Not even the slightest.

Yes, I'm wearing a smile on my face and trying to act positive. I try to see the benefits to returning to work and of Kaylee entering preschool. But it's all an act. I am attempting to convince myself that this is a good thing. After all, Kaylee will be ridiculously happy to be in preschool. And I need a job so that I can earn some of those little green pieces of paper so that I can support myself and my daughter.

So, I'll keep pretending to be happy about this change, because they say that if you pretend hard enough sometimes it comes true.

But, what about my life as a stay at home mom? What made me decide to do this? A woman who came from a family who never stayed at home. To whom kids are something that grow up on their own.  A family who utilized daycare or family members for babysitting starting at 6 weeks. Whom never discussed parenting techniques or how to get a 6 month to sleep. How on earth did I come to decide to do this, to love doing this? This crazy way of life that has almost become extinct in the 21st century as the American family strives to make the most money, own the most things and have the biggest house.

Let me add that I have nothing against those who choose to return to work immediately or later. I think there is a place in this world for all types of moms; working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms. It takes all kinds, and not everyone is built to be a stay at home mom.

In fact when I first did this I thought I'd go insane. I was bored out of my mind and convinced this wasn't for me either. There was no way I could do this for years and years. What was I suppose to do all day? There's only so much time that can be spent cleaning and cooking. I took to watching far too much TV and playing too many video games. Of course I was also in deep Post Partum Depression so that didn't help any. But I had no example of the life I should be leading or how to do this crazy stay at home mom stuff.

Then I just started to figure it out. I read some books, I joined some playgroups. What did I do with my day?

I taught my daughter: To talk, the ABC's, potty trained her, to read, to write her name, made crafts, painted, to smell things, how to buckle her seat belt, to blow her nose, to eat, her colors, which shoe goes where, left and right, who her relatives are, how to play games, how to kick a ball, how to vacuum... I could be here all day. But I taught her almost every single thing she knows. Me. Not some person that I paid almost all of my paycheck to. Me.

What did she teach me? Patience. To stop and smell the roses. To love with abandon. Who I really am. What I want to do with my life. That I love kids with a passion. That it's okay to cry from joy. That life can be moving and passionate and joyful.

Yes, being a stay at home mom has done all of those things for me and more. The way it has transformed me is indescribable. That is why I'm frightened. I'm frightened to return to that clinical world of numbers. That world where a paycheck is the most important thing. Where you weigh your accomplishments by what you drive, where you live and what your title is. Because that's not who I am anymore. Now I'm a mom. My reward for what I do is hugs and kisses. Smiles in the morning and the sweetest little I love you's. Those are the greatest rewards in the world.

So, yes I will return to work. But it is with a heavy heart. Because I'm leaving the job that I really want to do. The best job I've ever had.

Being a mom.

Life is a Highway

That's about right

I've never been very good at making decisions. I often go back and forth, I'm known for asking every single persons opinion that I can find, I make lists and debate it in my head constantly.

Do any of these things help? No I've found that decisions are terribly hard for me. Not the small ones. The big ones. Moving on. Breaking up. Which job to take. The older I get the harder it is. I get paralyzed by fear. This is the wrong decision. Which one will I regret the least?

In case you didn't know I'm also a worry wart.

Even parenting decisions are difficult. Should I spank? Is Love & Logic really right? I feel like all these decisions are what is helping to create this little person who will someday go out into that wide world and be expected to be a productive member of society.

Well, that's actually true isn't it?

But since becoming a parent I would become frozen by indecision and discover what is worse than having to make a decision that I fear will be a failure... having the choice ripped away from me by circumstance or someone else. It was probably the best therapy because I came to realize that I may hate making those big decisions... but I hate even more not being given a choice. Not having a voice.

Can you imagine me without a voice? It's a scary notion.

I'm writing this today because I feel like all I've done is make huge decisions over the past 6 months. I'm pretty proud of myself for each and every one of them. Some of them weren't the correct decisions, but I made them, dealt with the consequences, cleaned up the mess and moved on. But I still feel like decisions are being taken out of my hands occasionally and I want to scream it's not fair and rail at God about how rude he happens to be.

But we know life isn't about being fair and if there is a God then he's got to be rude occasionally.

Instead I'll just do what being a parent has taught me to do. Clean up the messes from the decisions... Even if I'm not the one who made them.

Horses and Getting Back on Them

Yep, get back on that horse

So, I'm back from vacation. Did I accomplish my goals of eating right and exercising?

No.

Well sort of. I took a long walk every day, but I never got my heart rate up. I ate every meal healthy... except when I went out for pizza, Chinese and boli's. I discovered that if I lived up north I would be fat and I'm not sure I could manage anything other than that.

But here's the important part... I came home and I'm eating right and exercising again. I had to take a day off from exercising because I had a ridiculous amount of things to do. But here I am 4 days after getting home and I'm eating right again and hitting the gym. I felt like I had gained 5 pounds while in PA, but I'm very happy to say that I only gained 2. So apparently being healthy stays with you even when you're eating too many pieces of pizza.

So, the lesson I learned that I want to impart to everyone out there in the trying to lose weight world... If you fall of the horse, just get back on it. Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up. Don't give it up as lost just because you messed up a little. Just go home and put your nose back to the grindstone (yes I really did just use all those sayings). 

Inspiration

As I worked out at the gym today I ran through ideas that I had for my blog. I've had a pretty busy week, well actually a pretty busy month. I've visited Asheville, Charleston, SC and West Virginia twice. On Monday I head out for PA to visit my family. I was thinking about doing a blog about family today but just couldn't find the inspiration or the words to write. I might not to get to write tomorrow because today starts packing extravaganza.

Once I thought about it I realized that I wanted to do something different. Recently I've met someone (who's already been mentioned before). He has reopened that creative side of me that I thought was gone, quite possibly with all my teen angst. But then I realized that my blog is a form of creativity. The words are still here, and so are the ideas... I just needed the inspiration and support to write them down.

I want to thank Matt for that.

So, today instead of putting something new up on my blog I'm putting a poem up. It's a poem that I wrote some time ago but it means a lot to me and is one of my favorites. I've never titled it so it is just called untitled #1

odysseys of the mind

perplex me so

questions wanting to be asked

where are the words i am longing for

to phrase it just right

would be oh so beautiful

but to slip and lose the rhyme

causes pain to the page

that my pen has seized

flowing like a river

the pain is decreased

as i change, censor and say goodbye

to my original

where the words came unknowing

of what would happen

if i scribed them to this sheet

Happy Mother's Day

Today is a special day. It's the day to celebrate our love of mother's all around the world. Single mom's. working mom's, stay at home mom's, grandma's, soon to be mom's, new mom's, dad's who have to be a mom too and to all the other mom's I haven't thought of.

Many of us don't get a day off or a break. Having a child means that you give up a lot of things, sometimes including your sanity. This is true for dads and moms (so dads don't think I'm being partial here). But today, try to take a few moments for yourself. Even if it's just in the bathroom with the door shut and little fingers reaching under. Find that moment and remember why you're so happy to be a mom.

The Great Sleep Debate

Newborn Kaylee Sleeping

I slept like a baby.

Anyone who says this isn't a parent. When it comes to babies there are a lot of misconceptions. I read every book and announced myself ready for parenthood.

Those books are only slightly helpful. The real world experience of your own baby is the only true way to understand.

So here was one of my huge misconceptions regarding becoming a parent. I thought babies would just sleep when they're suppose to. At night. No one informed me, not even one of those books, that babies have to be trained to do everything we consider part of normal life. Things like sleeping and eating at certain times aren't instinctual and if we want 8 hours of sleep we better teach our babies how to sleep.

Once we got past the harrowing experience of having to get our daughter up every 2 hours to feed her due to low birth weight we finally had to take that step into teaching her how to sleep. With my daughter it was fairly easy. That's probably because at 3 months old I started putting her into her crib while she was only partly asleep. By the time she was 6 months old she was sleeping great and I couldn't understand what everyone was complaining about.

That obviously didn't last or I wouldn't be here writing this blog article.

Around 7 or 8 months her sleeping got messed up. I'm not going to say how or why, it just did and all of the sudden she needed to held and rocked to sleep. She would then wake up in the middle of the night constantly and want to play. She had to be entertained for at least 4 hours before she'd go back to sleep, she had to again be rocked or held until she fell asleep. I tried to retrain her sleeping. I tried every book I read over the next year. Cry it out, the no cry sleep solution. Nothing would work and I was at this point operating on no more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. After a year that's pretty serious. I finally understood. I began to think my child hated me and was trying an insane torture method on me.

At 1.5 to 2 years Kaylee was having issues with fever. She'd run 105's with no sign of a virus pretty much every 2 months for at least a few days. During one of these I put the air bed in the living room, laid down on it with her and went to sleep with her. Was I surprised when we woke up 8 hours later with the sun streaming in on our faces. We had slept through the night and her fever was broken. I decided to go against everything I believed in and set that bed up in her room and started sleeping with her. I told no one. I was embarrassed because I was co-sleeping. But after a year of no sleep you'll do anything. I was ready to dance naked in front of a bonfire of cooked hams if someone told me it would work.

So co-sleeping it was. Every night at 8pm I would lay down with her and we'd go to sleep. I was so exhausted at first that this was okay and I was happy to get the 12 hours of sleep. But eventually I wanted to sleep in my own bed sometimes and didn't want to actually fall asleep with her. That was around 2 years old. She of course protested this and I was now in the spot that is the reason you don't co-sleep. My daughter couldn't sleep if I wasn't in bed with her.

Before you get scared I will tell you that she now sleeps peacefully in her bed through the night and goes to sleep on her own. How I got there is the hardest part.

It took a year. Maybe it would have taken less time but I occasionally felt my new method wasn't working so I had would try something new and then have to start all over. Or something else would happen that would set me back to the beginning. So how did I do it?

It sounds easy, but it wasn't. I started with laying in the bed with her with my arm around her (the only way she would go to sleep). I explained that I was going to leave once she was asleep and would come back and sleep with her later. It took about a week for her to stop coming out and looking for me, but it worked! This all happened in bi-weekly increments (accept when I had to go backwards). Rushing never worked and sometimes I'd try to move to the next week only to find that she wasn't ready yet and had to go back.

So here's the list of what step I took every few weeks: Laying beside her touching her, laying beside her not touching, sitting beside her, sitting beside the bed, standing beside the bed, standing at the door, standing outside her door with it open and finally standing outside her door with it closed. We of course also developed a bedtime routine that was never deviated from and took an hour. She'd watch Blue's Clues, brush her teeth, I'd sing her a song and read a book. Kisses and hugs.

This bedtime routine has since been shortened. She now gets to choose books & songs or Blue's Clues. But it is still the same. She sleeps through the night, from 8pm until the sun comes up (that's the rule that she knows). I've had to be very strict about sharing my bed and getting up at night. She gets hugs and kisses for staying in her bed all night and she loses a toy if she gets up at night (accept special circumstances like nightmares, potty breaks and illness).

So I created my own sleep training. It was a bit of a combination of Cry it Out and The No Cry Sleep Solution. Do I think that going to co-sleeking was a bad idea? Yes. Would I do it again if I was in this situation. Absolutely, I would not hesitate for a second. Don't be ashamed if you have to do things like that just to get some sleep. I wasn't able to fix my daughter's sleep problems because I was so deprived of sleep. I could barely move during the day and was a bad parent because of all those problems.

The number one rule I've learned through accidental parenting is this; Who cares what others think and do what you have to. If you have to co-sleep then do it. If you have to use formula then do it. It's not a failure. It's not even a setback. It's just not parenting the way you thought you would.  

Toxic Relationships

Most of us have had them. They're difficult and many times we don't even recognize it for what it is until we're out of it. So how are you suppose to know if you're in a toxic relationship?

#1 Is it ever about you?

If you're in a toxic relationship then there is no give and take. Or if there is it is very rare. It's always about the other person, they never seem to have time to talk about what's on your mind or when you bring up your problems they mutter words like yeah or uhuh. They offer you no emotional support.

#2 You can't be yourself

If you find that you have to pretend to be someone else then it's not a healthy relationship. If you have to keep parts of your feelings and thoughts compartmentalized then it's time to get out.

#3 Do you have good times? Can you enjoy them?

Sometimes you will manage to have good times with a toxic friend. The question is whether you can enjoy those good times. Are the colored because of all the bad and unhappy? Or maybe this person is obsessed with being pessimistic so all they talk about are the bad things.

#4 Lies

This person lies to you. Sometimes it starts out as small lies, but you eventually start to catch them in big ones. Lying is never okay. If you really care about someone then you should speak the truth with them (unless it's does my butt look big in this, be nice too).

#5 Drama

It seems like some dramatic thing is always going on in this person's life. Now some people do legitimately have some crazy stuff happen, so don't judge too harshly. But does this person like to make a mountain out of a molehill? Is the month absolutely ruined because they weren't able to get the exact table cloth they wanted for their kids birthday?

So those are some of the signs. What do you do with a toxic relationship? This one's hard. You have to decide whether this person is completely toxic and adds no value to your life. Cutting someone out of yours is a huge decision and not something you should do lightly. Maybe the person meets 2 of the above criteria but not the others. It's a tough decision and should be well thought out.

But how do you do it? It's simple. But still the hardest thing you will ever do. You must tell them nicely and simply that you cannot be friends or a couple anymore. You can give them specific reasons why, but do not turn it into something where you point out all of their flaws. It is probably best if you plan what you're going to say in advance and maybe even write it down. Then you cut all contact. No Facebook, no email, no phone calls, no texting. Don't allow yourself to be harassed, bullied or allow your pity to drag you back in. You have to cut the cord completely. It's very hard.

How do I know? I did it. Over a year ago I ended a friendship with a toxic friend. It took a long time to work up to it. I will not put their name here to protect this person. Because no matter what happened, I hope this person will someday heal and become healthy and whole. Will I ever be friends with said person again? No. Our friendship could never move past where it had been before.

This person fed my depression. They were always focused on the negatives and never able to enjoy life. This person helped me focus on the negatives in my life and fed a female part of me I had never been interested in before and taught me to be a horrible gossip. I felt I could never tell this person the truth regarding certain things because they were very mentally unstable. I was always frightened I would hurt them. They were a "one upper". If something happened to me they had it happen to them but only worse.

Was it hard? Yes. It was harder than any boyfriend I ever broke up with and harder than ending my first marriage. Why? Because cutting the cord completely with the internet here made it difficult. I occasionally wanted to look them up and see how they were. But that would be going back on the deal I made with myself. So it's not allowed.

If you have a toxic relationship in your life think long hard before making any rash and difficult decisions. Am I happy I did what I did? Yes. It was part of the healing process necessary to make me the healthy person I am today. Remember that toxic relationships are very detrimental to us.

No Poo Movement

Pretty hair, still can't smile

No, I'm not talking about not pooping. That is exactly what everyone thinks when I say this and this movement really has a rather unfortunate name. Maybe they should consider calling it something else.

So what is the no poo movement and why on earth am I writing about it? Let me give some background here.

I have pretty wavy hair that goes over into curls if I care for it correctly. I've spent my whole life not knowing how to care for it correctly. I was either getting perms to help control my curls or straitening to hide the frizziness. I never liked my hair. But then who does right?

I do now. I love my hair. But it took a lot of work to get here. Back at the beginning of the year I started going to the gym every day. I used to only wash my hair every other day, to keep it from  being dry and breaking. My hair is very dry. But when I started going to gym every day I had to wash it, I was gross and dirty. My hair got very dry and was in terrible condition. I bought more expensive products, deep conditioner and leave in treatments. It wasn't helping much and my hair just continued to get worse.

I started with something called co-washing. Co-washing is where I only washed my hair with shampoo every other day and on the other days I only used conditioner. My hair responded amazingly. The life came back, it was moisturized and my curls looked pretty. After this experiment worked so well I moved onto something else I had read about. No Poo.

So now, what is no poo? It's not using shampoo on your hair. Shampoo is actually very unhealthy for our hair, it strips all of our natural oils and nutrients from our hair. The only reason people use it really is for scalp health and because it is what is socially acceptable in America.

You must think I am a bundle of nasty oily stinky hair. Nope. My hair is awesome and for the first time in my life I love my hair. It's beautiful, soft, my natural color is amazing, my curls are outrageously amazing. My hair has luster. I've never been able to say that. It actually shines. And it smells amazing.

So what did I do? Well, I started out with just conditioning every day. My hair was a little greasy for a few days. That is going to happen  because your scalp has adjusted to having those natural oils stripped away from it every day. It can take as much as 6 weeks for your scalp to restore the natural balance it once had. It only took my scalp about 7 days.

Then I continued to do some reading and decided to go over to a cleansing conditioner with no sulfates in it. Because this was a trial I wasn't willing to spend a ton of money on something like Wen. I bought L'OrealCleansing Conditioner. 3 weeks later my hair is beautiful, manageable and amazing for the first time in my life.

There is another option completely. You can wash your hair with a mixture of baking soda and water. This option is green and also gets rid if the harsh sulfates.

So, is no poo right for you? If you have the same texture as me; dry, wavy or curly, coarse. Then yes you should consider trying it. If you don't really have problems with your hair then maybe you should stick with 

your regiment. But just remember that shampoo is actually very unhealthy for your hair.

If you're interested in learning more about why shampoo is bad for you, go check out the info here. 

How I lost 51 pounds

Left: Me 3 years ago, Right: Me today 

If you're an avid reader of my blog then you know that I've been trying to get this weight off my body since shortly after I had my daughter. If you're not an avid reader, then welcome to the dark side, I make good cookies but now they're usually low fat.

At my largest I weighed more than 223 pounds. I don't actually know how much more, because I never bothered to weigh myself when I got that big. The only weigh in I have to go by is the one that I had immediately after I had my daughter. Now some might not think that is that bad. But I'm only 5ft 1.

I've written before about my fad diets and meal replacement attempts: Weight Watchers, Slimfast. I've also talked about my different exercises I've tired. It all worked for awhile and then I would stop, in some cases I gained the weight right back after I stopped using it (Weightwatchers).

So how did I do it you may be asking? Sometimes I ask myself that very same question! It was hard! For some people losing weight is as simple as making a few minor changes and Bam! that weight comes right off. There are three different body types in this world, they all have different types of metabolisms and they all gain and lose weight differently. But for me the weight loss required permanent changes in my lifestyle.

I have reformed who I was. I am not the same woman I was year ago.

I started small. I changed my diet to 6 small meals a day. No meal was larger than my fist. In fact they were all about that size except my breakfast. I've never been a breakfast person so my breakfast will always just be a small breakfast bar or something. Basically you need to be eating every 2.5 hours to keep your metabolism up. American's dinner portions are sometimes triple the size they should be. When you eat 3 largish (or less) meals a day your body never knows when it's next meal will come so it goes into starvation mode and stores all of your fat.

Now this is hard. I know it's hard! You're busy, you have a crazy work schedule, your kids take too much of your time, you're not hungry, you simply forget. Well I'm here to tell you that those are just excuses. I had many of these excuses, you just have to buckle down and do it. Set a timer on your phone, buy Cliff Bars, Nutra-Grain bars, granola bars, Kashi bars... I don't care. Something that you can carry in your purse or pocket, that you can carry a lot of. When that alarm goes off eat your damn bar. If you're in the middle of a work meeting then take a bathroom break and do it right away. If you're not in position to do it right that second then do it the very next second you get. This is something you have to do. This is your body and it is time to take control of it. Don't let your excuses own your life.

When you're able to eat lots of healthy small meals choose healthy proteins like fish and nuts. Lots of vegetables from every color spectrum. Try to cut back on the carbohydrates and red meats. I'm not telling you to cut them out, just cut them down. Start paying attention to the amount of sugar your eating, try to cut it down. If you can make large healthy meals on your days off and take those to work over the days. Try to make eating out a real treat, only do it less than once a week and when you order have them box half of it up instead of bringing it all to the table. Instead of sweet treats like cookies or cake eat fruit. No soda. I don't care if it's diet! Only tea and coffee and make sure you not only use those in moderation with little or no artificial sweetener.

Drink lots of water. And that saying 8, 6oz glasses of water a day is not true. Take your body weight, cut it in half. That's how much water you have to at least drink in ounces a day. So, if I weigh 172 pounds (my current weight at the time of writing this) then I cut that in half, 172/2 = 86. So I have to drink at least 86 ounces of water a day. You should try to drink 3/4 of your body weight in water a day if you can. You don't like water? Get over it and drink it. It won't hurt you and if you dislike it that much then buy that water additive stuff, just not kind with sugar in it.

Finally, exercise. I've also done a lot of things here. What finally worked for me? Joining the gym and going every day, without fail. Is it hard? Yes. It was the hardest thing to do. We always have better things to do than workout. We have friends to see, kids to play with, work to do. You must, absolutely must make time for working out. I know how hard it is! It's all mind over matter. And yes you will have to let something go in order to make working out happen. What did I lose? My daughter's playgroup time. But she was in childwatch at the gym so I didn't feel so bad. You'll have to get up a little earlier, maybe choose to go to the gym over your lunch break instead of sitting and reading your book or chatting with coworkers. Maybe it's choosing to go work out instead of watching tv. I promise I'll write another post about my life at the gym as well.

It takes 21 days to break an addiction and 21 days to create a habit. It took me a year to get here, it was excruciating sometimes. It was never easy. And I really mean never. But I am healthier than I have ever been in my life. I'm not doing this anymore to lose weight. I'm now doing it because I'm happy, healthy and whole. I love who I am now. There is no going back.

But don't be scared by what I've said here. Be motivated. Do you need a motivator? Contact me. I'll help you. Figure out your motivation and keep it at the forefront of your mind. Mine is my daughter.

I hope this wasn't too long. I feel I have so much more to say, so I promise to write more later about the struggles, the hardest times what made it easier.

Healthy Mind, Body & Soul

On good days I feel like this

I closed my blog down for some time. The reasons for doing so are many, which I don't feel the need to discuss at this time, but promise to eventually.

Is this an exercise blog, a review blog or a parenting blog? I was often asked this back when I was an active writer and always felt a little embarrassed that I didn't know. Well why does it have to be one? Why can't it be all. This blog is about my life. My trials and tribulations. My struggles. I put it all here so that people can better know me. Can better understand what they are going through and maybe in some small way help another.

This blog has been about transforming me somewhat and in the last year I feel I have done that. I've lost 51 pounds, kicked my depression, removed a toxic friendship from my life, feel better than I ever have and I've gone through a divorce.

Yes, that's right. I've gone through a divorce and I'm better than I ever was. It's the combination of all these life changes that has put me in this place. And now my blog will be about one more thing, being a divorced mom.

I have a lot to write about now; how I got here, what worked for me, where you can go for help, and how to recognize bad relationships in your life (and how to sever them).

I am proud to say that I am healthy in my mind, body and soul now. I will never walk those paths of depression, anxiety, anger, obesity and toxicity again. I will not allow it. I look forward to again writing and sharing.