I Was Abused

He never hit me.

When I met him he was the man of my dreams. He swept me off my feet. There were promises of everything I had dreamed. Glorious vacations, children, my daughter being loved by her second father, acceptance of me as I am, a beautiful home... The beautiful future Disney movies had promised me. I even remember saying that it was as if someone had hand crafted him to be perfect for me.

We fell in love quickly and it was a whirlwind romance. I loved him in a way I had never loved anyone before in my life. Within a month we were in love and within three we were engaged. In six we were married and living together.

I get asked a lot when did it start to go wrong. Honestly there is no definite point. The more I dissect it the more I can see that it wasn't right from the beginning. He was already attempting to manipulate and control me before we even lived together.

So how was I abused if there was no hitting you might ask?

He always wanted to know where I was. This included texts when leaving and arriving places. This seemed cute at first but wore on my nerves because he would get upset when I would forget.

I couldn't have male friends. In fact the male friends I had before we got together became people I couldn't see unless he was around.

If I would get a lot of texts from a friend in the evening he would get upset that I wasn't giving him enough attention. Keep in mind that I saw him every night and never went out.

He never attempted to make friends and didn't much want to hang out with mine. When we did he was sullen and attempted to make me feel guilty. He would also get drunk as he stated he needed a social lubricant.

I lived on egg shells. I tried to make lists in my head of the things that would bother him so that I could avoid doing those things.

He eventually began to withhold sex.

He put me down. But not outright "You look terrible." More like "What did I do to you?" When my beautiful daughter would ask for a compliment he would say "Your dress doesn't match." His go to was to degrade and hurt.

These are the little things. The everyday things I lived with. There were big things. Fights that hinged on nothing. These fights happened a few times a month.

Once he fell asleep before my daughter went to bed. He woke up angry and screaming at me that I let him fall asleep. How dare I! He had missed her bedtime and all his time to relax with me.

We were watching a movie and it had a cheating couple in it. He became obsessed that I was going to my best friends the next weekend to cheat on him. And then it turned into me cheating with her and my male best friend. This is the only time he came at me like he was going to hit me. It was the first time in my life I've hid behind two locked doors crying while I decided whether I should call the police.

There was the time on his birthday that I didn't wake him up and wish him a happy birthday. Nothing was good enough that day. All my presents, his special dinner or dessert. I again hid behind a door while I cried.

I'm an intelligent woman. So how could this happen to me?

I ignored the signs. I didn't want to see them. Even after I saw them I thought we could make it. I loved him. He was getting help and I'm an emotionally intelligent person so I was going to help him get better.

We do stupid things for love.

Why am I writing about this?

First it's almost a cleansing. I am currently waiting until I can legally divorce him without his signature.

Second. I want to help. I know there are thousands of women going through what I went through. In fact I know two women personally who are.

Get help. You can get it in secret. He doesn't need to know. If not for you, then for any kids you may have or may have together. There are shelters where you can go. There are counseling services specifically for abused women.

Yes emotional and verbal abuse are considered just as bad as physical abuse.

It is extremely hard to admit to people that you are being abused. I still struggle with it. There are a lot of people I've never said those words to. Admitting you were abused is one of the hardest steps.

Please Get Help. Please call 1-800-799-7233 if you are being abused. 

Days 1 & 2

So, I'm sure I'm going to come up with other things to blog about while I'm working on this book that I've committed myself to. That means that I potentially might have a lot of blog posts going up... Or potentially not because I have to write 1000 words a day for my eBook, lol.

Saying that I'm doing pretty good I think... But then again I'm still in the stages that I've always managed to do in the past. I'm only on day 2 of my 30 day challenge. Days 1 and 2 were suppose to be for thinking about what I wanted to write about and asking others what they'd like to read about. Well, I thought about what I wanted to write about and I asked others. I wasn't expecting much feedback, I did get some and I'm very grateful to the people who decided to do that for me. I chose what I'm going to write about and I started my outline this morning. I'm not sure if I should put on here what it's about, I guess I'll figure that out later. I almost feel like that would be jinxing myself somehow.

I'm scared.

Okay, so I was writing my outline and Googled how to get published and scared the crap out of myself because I realized that I have no idea how to take that next step. Yes, I theoretically knew... and I thought I did know. I had a friend who did it. But guess what, I'm not friends with her anymore and she was my only link into the writing world. So, yes I scared myself. I started to hyperventilate thinking this is a huge waste of my time. I'll finish a book for the first time in my life and then have nothing to do with it.

Then I realized that I was as usual putting the cart before the horse (a saying I'm totally stealing from my boyfriend). I've got an outline. Yes, a lot of people plan who they're going to publish with and make all those other decisions before they start a book. They want to take sure that there is interest in this book that they plan to write. Well, you know what? I just want to finish it. I don't care if no one wants to buy it. Well, I do care a little. But I'll be very proud of myself if I manage this massive accomplishment.

When I finish this book I'll figure the rest out. I'll find an editor. I'll find a publisher. If it's good, it'll happen. If it sucks then I'll learn an important lesson. Maybe that lesson will be that I really am not meant to be a writer. Maybe it is just a crazy dream, much like the dreams of millions of people.

I guess in 30 days we'll find out huh? 

Accountability

I write a lot on here. I got to thinking about how I always wanted to be a writer. I realized that I already am in a way. Sure I only have a few 100 regular readers, but I'm still a writer.  Then I watched this movie Julie & Julia.

Yes, these two things are connected.

So, I didn't like the ending of the movie much but I did like the middle and the concept. So I've decided I'm going to do something starting today. It's probably a little insane considering all of the life changes I'm currently going through, but I feel like I need to for a number of reason.

Starting today I'm going to set out on a 20,000 word 30 day eBook challenge.

Yes I am quite possibly clinically insane. I'm recently divorced, trying to lose weight, in a new relationship, with a daughter and about to start back to work... but I'm going to add one more thing to that list of huge things I want and need to do.  Why on earth would I want to do that?

Well, that's simple to answer. I've never finished anything in my life. Or so I thought. I've started many stories and never finished a single one. Then I realized I have. I write in this blog. I finish it every time I publish a new entry. I was watching that movie Julie & Julia and realized that I have this need to finish a book. It's deep inside me. I always wanted to be a writer. Do I feel the need to an accomplished writer who makes lots of money? No. I just want to write. That's all. I just want to know that my words are out there. And if even one person reads it, that's enough.

So, I'm about to go for a run. After I do that I'm going to start on my new challenge.  I will try to write on here every day how I'm doing with my writing challenge.

Let the insanity begin.

On Being A Stay at Home Mom

I recently visited my family who lives 8 hours away. It was the first time that I really realized how different I am and how much they don't understand me. They seem confused by my choice to be a stay at home mom. They were shocked to discover that I would do this again if given the chance. Now that I'm returning to work everyone seems to think that I should be excited to return to the real world, excited to drop my child off in someone else's hands.

I'm not. Not even the slightest.

Yes, I'm wearing a smile on my face and trying to act positive. I try to see the benefits to returning to work and of Kaylee entering preschool. But it's all an act. I am attempting to convince myself that this is a good thing. After all, Kaylee will be ridiculously happy to be in preschool. And I need a job so that I can earn some of those little green pieces of paper so that I can support myself and my daughter.

So, I'll keep pretending to be happy about this change, because they say that if you pretend hard enough sometimes it comes true.

But, what about my life as a stay at home mom? What made me decide to do this? A woman who came from a family who never stayed at home. To whom kids are something that grow up on their own.  A family who utilized daycare or family members for babysitting starting at 6 weeks. Whom never discussed parenting techniques or how to get a 6 month to sleep. How on earth did I come to decide to do this, to love doing this? This crazy way of life that has almost become extinct in the 21st century as the American family strives to make the most money, own the most things and have the biggest house.

Let me add that I have nothing against those who choose to return to work immediately or later. I think there is a place in this world for all types of moms; working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms. It takes all kinds, and not everyone is built to be a stay at home mom.

In fact when I first did this I thought I'd go insane. I was bored out of my mind and convinced this wasn't for me either. There was no way I could do this for years and years. What was I suppose to do all day? There's only so much time that can be spent cleaning and cooking. I took to watching far too much TV and playing too many video games. Of course I was also in deep Post Partum Depression so that didn't help any. But I had no example of the life I should be leading or how to do this crazy stay at home mom stuff.

Then I just started to figure it out. I read some books, I joined some playgroups. What did I do with my day?

I taught my daughter: To talk, the ABC's, potty trained her, to read, to write her name, made crafts, painted, to smell things, how to buckle her seat belt, to blow her nose, to eat, her colors, which shoe goes where, left and right, who her relatives are, how to play games, how to kick a ball, how to vacuum... I could be here all day. But I taught her almost every single thing she knows. Me. Not some person that I paid almost all of my paycheck to. Me.

What did she teach me? Patience. To stop and smell the roses. To love with abandon. Who I really am. What I want to do with my life. That I love kids with a passion. That it's okay to cry from joy. That life can be moving and passionate and joyful.

Yes, being a stay at home mom has done all of those things for me and more. The way it has transformed me is indescribable. That is why I'm frightened. I'm frightened to return to that clinical world of numbers. That world where a paycheck is the most important thing. Where you weigh your accomplishments by what you drive, where you live and what your title is. Because that's not who I am anymore. Now I'm a mom. My reward for what I do is hugs and kisses. Smiles in the morning and the sweetest little I love you's. Those are the greatest rewards in the world.

So, yes I will return to work. But it is with a heavy heart. Because I'm leaving the job that I really want to do. The best job I've ever had.

Being a mom.

Life is a Highway

That's about right

I've never been very good at making decisions. I often go back and forth, I'm known for asking every single persons opinion that I can find, I make lists and debate it in my head constantly.

Do any of these things help? No I've found that decisions are terribly hard for me. Not the small ones. The big ones. Moving on. Breaking up. Which job to take. The older I get the harder it is. I get paralyzed by fear. This is the wrong decision. Which one will I regret the least?

In case you didn't know I'm also a worry wart.

Even parenting decisions are difficult. Should I spank? Is Love & Logic really right? I feel like all these decisions are what is helping to create this little person who will someday go out into that wide world and be expected to be a productive member of society.

Well, that's actually true isn't it?

But since becoming a parent I would become frozen by indecision and discover what is worse than having to make a decision that I fear will be a failure... having the choice ripped away from me by circumstance or someone else. It was probably the best therapy because I came to realize that I may hate making those big decisions... but I hate even more not being given a choice. Not having a voice.

Can you imagine me without a voice? It's a scary notion.

I'm writing this today because I feel like all I've done is make huge decisions over the past 6 months. I'm pretty proud of myself for each and every one of them. Some of them weren't the correct decisions, but I made them, dealt with the consequences, cleaned up the mess and moved on. But I still feel like decisions are being taken out of my hands occasionally and I want to scream it's not fair and rail at God about how rude he happens to be.

But we know life isn't about being fair and if there is a God then he's got to be rude occasionally.

Instead I'll just do what being a parent has taught me to do. Clean up the messes from the decisions... Even if I'm not the one who made them.

Horses and Getting Back on Them

Yep, get back on that horse

So, I'm back from vacation. Did I accomplish my goals of eating right and exercising?

No.

Well sort of. I took a long walk every day, but I never got my heart rate up. I ate every meal healthy... except when I went out for pizza, Chinese and boli's. I discovered that if I lived up north I would be fat and I'm not sure I could manage anything other than that.

But here's the important part... I came home and I'm eating right and exercising again. I had to take a day off from exercising because I had a ridiculous amount of things to do. But here I am 4 days after getting home and I'm eating right again and hitting the gym. I felt like I had gained 5 pounds while in PA, but I'm very happy to say that I only gained 2. So apparently being healthy stays with you even when you're eating too many pieces of pizza.

So, the lesson I learned that I want to impart to everyone out there in the trying to lose weight world... If you fall of the horse, just get back on it. Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up. Don't give it up as lost just because you messed up a little. Just go home and put your nose back to the grindstone (yes I really did just use all those sayings). 

Inspiration

As I worked out at the gym today I ran through ideas that I had for my blog. I've had a pretty busy week, well actually a pretty busy month. I've visited Asheville, Charleston, SC and West Virginia twice. On Monday I head out for PA to visit my family. I was thinking about doing a blog about family today but just couldn't find the inspiration or the words to write. I might not to get to write tomorrow because today starts packing extravaganza.

Once I thought about it I realized that I wanted to do something different. Recently I've met someone (who's already been mentioned before). He has reopened that creative side of me that I thought was gone, quite possibly with all my teen angst. But then I realized that my blog is a form of creativity. The words are still here, and so are the ideas... I just needed the inspiration and support to write them down.

I want to thank Matt for that.

So, today instead of putting something new up on my blog I'm putting a poem up. It's a poem that I wrote some time ago but it means a lot to me and is one of my favorites. I've never titled it so it is just called untitled #1

odysseys of the mind

perplex me so

questions wanting to be asked

where are the words i am longing for

to phrase it just right

would be oh so beautiful

but to slip and lose the rhyme

causes pain to the page

that my pen has seized

flowing like a river

the pain is decreased

as i change, censor and say goodbye

to my original

where the words came unknowing

of what would happen

if i scribed them to this sheet