He never hit me.
When I met him he was the man of my dreams. He swept me off
my feet. There were promises of everything I had dreamed. Glorious vacations, children,
my daughter being loved by her second father, acceptance of me as I am, a
beautiful home... The beautiful future Disney movies had promised me. I even
remember saying that it was as if someone had hand crafted him to be perfect
for me.
We fell in love quickly and it was a whirlwind romance. I
loved him in a way I had never loved anyone before in my life. Within a month
we were in love and within three we were engaged. In six we were married and
living together.
I get asked a lot when did it start to go wrong. Honestly
there is no definite point. The more I dissect it the more I can see that it
wasn't right from the beginning. He was already attempting to manipulate and
control me before we even lived together.
So how was I abused if there was no hitting you might ask?
He always wanted to know where I was. This included texts
when leaving and arriving places. This seemed cute at first but wore on my
nerves because he would get upset when I would forget.
I couldn't have male friends. In fact the male friends I had
before we got together became people I couldn't see unless he was around.
If I would get a lot of texts from a friend in the evening
he would get upset that I wasn't giving him enough attention. Keep in mind that
I saw him every night and never went out.
He never attempted to make friends and didn't much want to
hang out with mine. When we did he was sullen and attempted to make me feel
guilty. He would also get drunk as he stated he needed a social lubricant.
I lived on egg shells. I tried to make lists in my head of
the things that would bother him so that I could avoid doing those things.
He eventually began to withhold sex.
He put me down. But not outright "You look
terrible." More like "What did I do to you?" When my beautiful
daughter would ask for a compliment he would say "Your dress doesn't
match." His go to was to degrade and hurt.
These are the little things. The everyday things I lived
with. There were big things. Fights that hinged on nothing. These fights
happened a few times a month.
Once he fell asleep before my daughter went to bed. He woke
up angry and screaming at me that I let him fall asleep. How dare I! He had
missed her bedtime and all his time to relax with me.
We were watching a movie and it had a cheating couple in it.
He became obsessed that I was going to my best friends the next weekend to
cheat on him. And then it turned into me cheating with her and my male best friend.
This is the only time he came at me like he was going to hit me. It was the
first time in my life I've hid behind two locked doors crying while I decided
whether I should call the police.
There was the time on his birthday that I didn't wake him up
and wish him a happy birthday. Nothing was good enough that day. All my
presents, his special dinner or dessert. I again hid behind a door while I
cried.
I'm an intelligent woman. So how could this happen to me?
I ignored the signs. I didn't want to see them. Even after I
saw them I thought we could make it. I loved him. He was getting help and I'm
an emotionally intelligent person so I was going to help him get better.
We do stupid things for love.
Why am I writing about this?
First it's almost a cleansing. I am currently waiting until
I can legally divorce him without his signature.
Second. I want to help. I know there are thousands of women
going through what I went through. In fact I know two women personally who are.
Get help. You can get it in secret. He doesn't need to know.
If not for you, then for any kids you may have or may have together. There are
shelters where you can go. There are counseling services specifically for
abused women.
Yes emotional and verbal abuse are considered just as bad as
physical abuse.
It is extremely hard to admit to people that you are being
abused. I still struggle with it. There are a lot of people I've never said
those words to. Admitting you were abused is one of the hardest steps.
Please Get Help. Please call 1-800-799-7233 if you are being
abused.
