Days 1 & 2

So, I'm sure I'm going to come up with other things to blog about while I'm working on this book that I've committed myself to. That means that I potentially might have a lot of blog posts going up... Or potentially not because I have to write 1000 words a day for my eBook, lol.

Saying that I'm doing pretty good I think... But then again I'm still in the stages that I've always managed to do in the past. I'm only on day 2 of my 30 day challenge. Days 1 and 2 were suppose to be for thinking about what I wanted to write about and asking others what they'd like to read about. Well, I thought about what I wanted to write about and I asked others. I wasn't expecting much feedback, I did get some and I'm very grateful to the people who decided to do that for me. I chose what I'm going to write about and I started my outline this morning. I'm not sure if I should put on here what it's about, I guess I'll figure that out later. I almost feel like that would be jinxing myself somehow.

I'm scared.

Okay, so I was writing my outline and Googled how to get published and scared the crap out of myself because I realized that I have no idea how to take that next step. Yes, I theoretically knew... and I thought I did know. I had a friend who did it. But guess what, I'm not friends with her anymore and she was my only link into the writing world. So, yes I scared myself. I started to hyperventilate thinking this is a huge waste of my time. I'll finish a book for the first time in my life and then have nothing to do with it.

Then I realized that I was as usual putting the cart before the horse (a saying I'm totally stealing from my boyfriend). I've got an outline. Yes, a lot of people plan who they're going to publish with and make all those other decisions before they start a book. They want to take sure that there is interest in this book that they plan to write. Well, you know what? I just want to finish it. I don't care if no one wants to buy it. Well, I do care a little. But I'll be very proud of myself if I manage this massive accomplishment.

When I finish this book I'll figure the rest out. I'll find an editor. I'll find a publisher. If it's good, it'll happen. If it sucks then I'll learn an important lesson. Maybe that lesson will be that I really am not meant to be a writer. Maybe it is just a crazy dream, much like the dreams of millions of people.

I guess in 30 days we'll find out huh? 

Accountability

I write a lot on here. I got to thinking about how I always wanted to be a writer. I realized that I already am in a way. Sure I only have a few 100 regular readers, but I'm still a writer.  Then I watched this movie Julie & Julia.

Yes, these two things are connected.

So, I didn't like the ending of the movie much but I did like the middle and the concept. So I've decided I'm going to do something starting today. It's probably a little insane considering all of the life changes I'm currently going through, but I feel like I need to for a number of reason.

Starting today I'm going to set out on a 20,000 word 30 day eBook challenge.

Yes I am quite possibly clinically insane. I'm recently divorced, trying to lose weight, in a new relationship, with a daughter and about to start back to work... but I'm going to add one more thing to that list of huge things I want and need to do.  Why on earth would I want to do that?

Well, that's simple to answer. I've never finished anything in my life. Or so I thought. I've started many stories and never finished a single one. Then I realized I have. I write in this blog. I finish it every time I publish a new entry. I was watching that movie Julie & Julia and realized that I have this need to finish a book. It's deep inside me. I always wanted to be a writer. Do I feel the need to an accomplished writer who makes lots of money? No. I just want to write. That's all. I just want to know that my words are out there. And if even one person reads it, that's enough.

So, I'm about to go for a run. After I do that I'm going to start on my new challenge.  I will try to write on here every day how I'm doing with my writing challenge.

Let the insanity begin.

On Being A Stay at Home Mom

I recently visited my family who lives 8 hours away. It was the first time that I really realized how different I am and how much they don't understand me. They seem confused by my choice to be a stay at home mom. They were shocked to discover that I would do this again if given the chance. Now that I'm returning to work everyone seems to think that I should be excited to return to the real world, excited to drop my child off in someone else's hands.

I'm not. Not even the slightest.

Yes, I'm wearing a smile on my face and trying to act positive. I try to see the benefits to returning to work and of Kaylee entering preschool. But it's all an act. I am attempting to convince myself that this is a good thing. After all, Kaylee will be ridiculously happy to be in preschool. And I need a job so that I can earn some of those little green pieces of paper so that I can support myself and my daughter.

So, I'll keep pretending to be happy about this change, because they say that if you pretend hard enough sometimes it comes true.

But, what about my life as a stay at home mom? What made me decide to do this? A woman who came from a family who never stayed at home. To whom kids are something that grow up on their own.  A family who utilized daycare or family members for babysitting starting at 6 weeks. Whom never discussed parenting techniques or how to get a 6 month to sleep. How on earth did I come to decide to do this, to love doing this? This crazy way of life that has almost become extinct in the 21st century as the American family strives to make the most money, own the most things and have the biggest house.

Let me add that I have nothing against those who choose to return to work immediately or later. I think there is a place in this world for all types of moms; working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms. It takes all kinds, and not everyone is built to be a stay at home mom.

In fact when I first did this I thought I'd go insane. I was bored out of my mind and convinced this wasn't for me either. There was no way I could do this for years and years. What was I suppose to do all day? There's only so much time that can be spent cleaning and cooking. I took to watching far too much TV and playing too many video games. Of course I was also in deep Post Partum Depression so that didn't help any. But I had no example of the life I should be leading or how to do this crazy stay at home mom stuff.

Then I just started to figure it out. I read some books, I joined some playgroups. What did I do with my day?

I taught my daughter: To talk, the ABC's, potty trained her, to read, to write her name, made crafts, painted, to smell things, how to buckle her seat belt, to blow her nose, to eat, her colors, which shoe goes where, left and right, who her relatives are, how to play games, how to kick a ball, how to vacuum... I could be here all day. But I taught her almost every single thing she knows. Me. Not some person that I paid almost all of my paycheck to. Me.

What did she teach me? Patience. To stop and smell the roses. To love with abandon. Who I really am. What I want to do with my life. That I love kids with a passion. That it's okay to cry from joy. That life can be moving and passionate and joyful.

Yes, being a stay at home mom has done all of those things for me and more. The way it has transformed me is indescribable. That is why I'm frightened. I'm frightened to return to that clinical world of numbers. That world where a paycheck is the most important thing. Where you weigh your accomplishments by what you drive, where you live and what your title is. Because that's not who I am anymore. Now I'm a mom. My reward for what I do is hugs and kisses. Smiles in the morning and the sweetest little I love you's. Those are the greatest rewards in the world.

So, yes I will return to work. But it is with a heavy heart. Because I'm leaving the job that I really want to do. The best job I've ever had.

Being a mom.

Life is a Highway

That's about right

I've never been very good at making decisions. I often go back and forth, I'm known for asking every single persons opinion that I can find, I make lists and debate it in my head constantly.

Do any of these things help? No I've found that decisions are terribly hard for me. Not the small ones. The big ones. Moving on. Breaking up. Which job to take. The older I get the harder it is. I get paralyzed by fear. This is the wrong decision. Which one will I regret the least?

In case you didn't know I'm also a worry wart.

Even parenting decisions are difficult. Should I spank? Is Love & Logic really right? I feel like all these decisions are what is helping to create this little person who will someday go out into that wide world and be expected to be a productive member of society.

Well, that's actually true isn't it?

But since becoming a parent I would become frozen by indecision and discover what is worse than having to make a decision that I fear will be a failure... having the choice ripped away from me by circumstance or someone else. It was probably the best therapy because I came to realize that I may hate making those big decisions... but I hate even more not being given a choice. Not having a voice.

Can you imagine me without a voice? It's a scary notion.

I'm writing this today because I feel like all I've done is make huge decisions over the past 6 months. I'm pretty proud of myself for each and every one of them. Some of them weren't the correct decisions, but I made them, dealt with the consequences, cleaned up the mess and moved on. But I still feel like decisions are being taken out of my hands occasionally and I want to scream it's not fair and rail at God about how rude he happens to be.

But we know life isn't about being fair and if there is a God then he's got to be rude occasionally.

Instead I'll just do what being a parent has taught me to do. Clean up the messes from the decisions... Even if I'm not the one who made them.

Horses and Getting Back on Them

Yep, get back on that horse

So, I'm back from vacation. Did I accomplish my goals of eating right and exercising?

No.

Well sort of. I took a long walk every day, but I never got my heart rate up. I ate every meal healthy... except when I went out for pizza, Chinese and boli's. I discovered that if I lived up north I would be fat and I'm not sure I could manage anything other than that.

But here's the important part... I came home and I'm eating right and exercising again. I had to take a day off from exercising because I had a ridiculous amount of things to do. But here I am 4 days after getting home and I'm eating right again and hitting the gym. I felt like I had gained 5 pounds while in PA, but I'm very happy to say that I only gained 2. So apparently being healthy stays with you even when you're eating too many pieces of pizza.

So, the lesson I learned that I want to impart to everyone out there in the trying to lose weight world... If you fall of the horse, just get back on it. Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up. Don't give it up as lost just because you messed up a little. Just go home and put your nose back to the grindstone (yes I really did just use all those sayings).