Zoloft Withdrawal & Depression: The Final Act

1 out of 5 Adults Suffer from Depression

Two months back I tried to go off of Zoloft on my own.  You can read about my struggle here and here.  After my horrible visit to the Emergency Room I tried to wean myself off the way I had wanted to originally.  I cut my 50mg pills in half and took the 25mg for 5 days.  Then I cut the 25mg in half again and took the 12.5mg for the rest of the time.  The only problem was that I was noticing my short temper coming back and I was very emotional right before my period.  But what choice did I have?  I don’t have health insurance and I couldn't afford the doctor.

Luckily someone was listening.  A family member that I love so much called me and surprised me by telling me how they had fought with depression all of their life as well.  They were also on anti-depressants and had long ago come to terms with the fact that they are a better person when they take their medication and that they just have to have it.

Notice that I am using a non-disclosing voice here.  I’m not planning on saying who this was, because it is a very personal matter and it’s not my business to share their personal life.

Just knowing that I wasn’t alone made me want to cry with happiness, that person was exactly what I needed.  Just being able to talk to someone and know that someone else has gone through this makes all the difference.  But just to make it even more amazing, this person sent me money to go to the doctor and get my prescription.  This time I did cry.

At the doctor I was told that you should never try to go off of an anti-depressant without a doctor’s supervision.  Apparently one of the side effects of withdrawal from Zoloft is basically a short circuit in your nervous system.  This short circuit can cause the heart to stop working.  I’m not kidding, this has happened.

When I was going through withdrawal I felt mad that it was so hard to go off of the drugs, and I wanted to try natural remedies, but the doctor pointed out to me that more than likely I have an actual chemical imbalance in brain.  After all, mental issues run in my family.  If this is the case then there are no natural fixes, the drugs are there for a reason.  It’s like having diabetes in your family.  You certainly wouldn’t try a natural fix for that now would you?

I've always felt a little embarrassed by my mental problems.  But I’m beginning to think that is part of my problem.  I should not be scared to share or be ashamed of my condition.  I have a disease, just like an alcoholic or diabetic.  There is medication to make my life easier and I should take it.

I wanted to write this because I want other people to know they are not alone.  If you are struggling with depression there are resources for you too.  Check your local area for a toll free number for you to call.  Or you can email me!  I’ll always respond and maybe just talking to someone who has been through it will help you to, I’ll also use my resources to try and figure out how to get you help.

If you have to take medication then don’t feel ashamed of it.  And no matter what do not try to go off your medication on your own. 

This is the Story of A Girl

Dad & Me

I wasn’t really feeling inspired to write about anything so I thought I’d write a little about myself.  My readers probably do question occasionally when I make comments about not having parents and things like that.  I also have been told that if I could ever sit down and put my life into a book it would be a very good drama.  I’m not sure that’s a good thing, considering I hate drama and prefer my life to be nice and quiet.

Mom & Me

I was born in 1980 to Brenda Kay and William Henry Shearer.  My brother had turned 7 earlier that year and probably wasn’t very happy about the little squawking baby girl that came home from the hospital.  We have different fathers and his name is Thomas (which is strange because that is also my husband’s name).

My father had been diagnosed with mouth cancer before my mom became pregnant with me.  By the time of my birth he had extensive chemo therapy, radiation and his tongue removed.  At the time the surgery he had was considered experimental so the insurance refused to pay for it.  My parents took out extensive loans to pay for his surgery to save his life.

Mom, Dad & Me

According to my brother, the doctor performing the surgery actually wanted to use my father’s surgery as an example in the medical field.  If he had been willing to do this then the surgery would have been free, but my father was a modest man and could not bring himself to be put on display and have his personal life invaded like that.

My dad was given a prosthetic tongue that he was supposed to use to talk.  He refused to use it, he was a prideful man, and he always swore to me that what made him talk wasn’t the therapy; it was the motivation to be able to say that he had a beautiful baby girl.  He always told me I was his sunshine.  Music dominated our lives and he dedicated the song “You Are My Sunshine to me”.

Most of my child hood we were poor.  I wouldn’t say we were super poor, just poor.  Presents didn’t come often and we didn’t eat very well.  There were good times, when dad was well and working.  There were bad times when mom had to take three jobs to keep us afloat.  My dad went in and out of remission over the years; he’d get sick, get more chemo and radiation then be better for a few years.

My Aunts

When I was around nine years old I had noticed something rather curious.  I didn’t look anything like anyone on either side of my family.  Everyone had dark hair and brown eyes on both sides.  There I sat with my pale blonde hair and green eyes.  I was a precocious child so of course I questioned it to my mother and father.  They told me that dad had been unable to have kids, due to the radiation treatments making him sterile, so they had used artificial insemination; they even had a pamphlet for me about it.

Also around that time my father was diagnosed with lung cancer.  When I was 10 my father was placed in Renova, a facility where patients go to die.  Being the child that I was I had actually refused to see him after a few visits.  I thought I had a good excuse.  When I went to see him he never recognized me, he had a tumor that was directly over his eyes causing blindness.  I can still remember the smell of the room, sickness and illness, puss and pee.  If you are fearful of hospitals then never set foot in a care facility for the terminally ill.  It reeks of hopelessness and death.

Me, Dad & Tom

To this day I do regret that very much.  He passed away while there.  Maybe I never really understood that he could die.  After all he had gotten better before.  He was a great man and meant so much to me.  No one could ask for a more amazing father.  He had his bad side; he was a smoker and an alcoholic.  He was bad with money.  But he was my daddy and I will always remember, cherish and love him.

This has made me tear up some, so I’m going to stop there for now.  I promise to write more about the story of this girl.

If he’s still in your life, call your father and tell him you love him.  You never know when he won’t be there anymore for you to do so.

Hulu Plus - A Second Review

A few months back I reviewed Hulu Plus and gave it not so good marks.  I was trying to come up with ways to cut the cable cord at my home and found the fact that I couldn’t watch new shows from my PS3 very frustrating.

Well, here we are and I’m now an avid Hulu Plus user.  We actually just hook my laptop up directly to the television and watch from there.  The only shows that Hulu Plus has not been providing for us are anything from CBS, which we just go directly to their site and get, and stuff from cooking channels. 

We long ago have left Netflix and are still unwilling to go back to them until they offer something as an apology to customers whom were loyal to them for 7 plus years.  A letter just isn’t going to cut it buddy.

So, we now happily stream all of our shows through Hulu Plus or directly from sites.  It’s working out rather well and we’re proud to say that cable is not needed in our house. 

In Memory of Beth Ann Slick

Thomas & Beth Ann

I wanted to write a quick post about an amazing woman.  Her name was Beth Ann Slick and she was my sister in law.  She married my brother when they were very young and they raised three kids together.  Beth Ann had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I had ever known.  She had room in it for everyone, although she always spoke her mind and stood up for her loved ones.  She was so nice to me and treated me just like I was a little sister.  She gave me love and affection that I never received from my own mother and was seriously lacking in my life.

Two years ago she was very excited about us having a little girl and gave us tons of baby stuff and even made a baby scrap book for Kaylee.  Unfortunately she never got to see Kaylee, because she passed away on Thanksgiving two years ago.

You know how they say you never truly appreciate someone until they are gone?  In this case it is certainly true.  I don’t think I ever really realized what Beth Ann gave me and how much I loved her until after she was gone.

So, now on Thanksgiving every year while I am remembering what I am thankful for, I will also take the time to remember an amazing woman who I loved dearly.  I know that the anniversary isn’t actually on Thanksgiving, but it will always be the day that I remember her; her big heart, her love, her smile and her hugs.

RIP Beth Ann.  You left us far too soon.  

Thankful

I’m quite certain that you are going to read these all over the internet in the next few days, so I apologize in advance for mine.  But heck, it’s tradition right?

This year I am thankful for

My house

My husband’s steady job

The ability to put food on the table

The fact that my daughter has good healthcare

The ability to finish out another year happy and mostly healthy

My friends that have stuck by me through the move and all of the phone and internet issues; Mandy, Tori, Kelly and Greg

My husband, Tom

My dog, Sprocket

My in-law’s; Rick, Rhonda, Vicky and Dan

And of course my daughter

I don’t think I forgot anyone this year.  I actually make a list like this every year, but for once I get to publish it.

While you are eating your turkey and stuffing this year please take a moment to remember what you are thankful for too.  I think we spend too much time focusing on the negatives in our lives and forget the little things.  This is the one time of year when we need to set those feeling aside and think about those little things, let’s give them the thanks they deserve.

Happy thanksgiving to you all.

8 Days Later

I’m about to make two statements.  Both are true.

Eight days ago we began my daughters 2 year birthday celebration.  We celebrated on her birthday with just us, making it a special thing to be shared with her mommy and daddy only.  The party continued into the next day when she had her actual party with her friends and family.

I’ve spent the last 8 days cleaning up more poop and vomit than I ever have in my life (and I’m not exaggerating).

So, you’re probably thinking, this was one wild party!  Haven’t you heard?  All 2 year olds have parties that last a week with revelry including drinking games, vomiting contests and latrines.

Of course the reality is that my daughter got a stomach virus from her pediatrician visit (yes that visit) and either from the same place or somewhere else she got strep.  The stomach virus caused vomiting that started Friday night (her birthday) and lasted until Monday night, although we had one recurrence on Wednesday.  This meant we had to go back to that office, where we got an entirely different doctor.  This one was incredibly nice.  Even though Kaylee didn’t seem to have strep she tested for it, just because it’s going around and Kaylee’s throat was red.  I’m so happy she did, because it was positive.  To me that is the best doctor ever.

Wouldn’t you know it, we got the stomach virus too.  I’m a sympathetic vomiter, but somehow I made it through without ever actually throwing up.  I just felt evil and full of diarrhea for 4 days.  My husband threw up, missed a day of work and generally felt evil as well. 

Basically I washed my daughter’s sheets, replacements sheets and the blanket we used after those were gone so many times that I went through a whole bottle of detergent.  Then she pooped through her diaper, the sheets and onto her mattress.  That one was fun.

In case you have been wondering where I was the last week, there you have it.  I’ve spent the last two days getting caught up on the internet and my emails, now it’s time to get back to work.

Kaylee on her birthday

Nightmare at the Pediatrician's Office

I know how you feel kid.

In case you haven’t heard, we recently moved (yeah it’s been a few months now) but we’re still settling in making the necessary changes.  One of those changes was getting my daughter a new pediatrician.  I asked my mommy group for recommendations and chose a local Pediatrician that was part of a group based off of how much others liked her.  Especially because I was told she listens well.

So, I’d like to take a moment here to express what I expect from a doctor or pediatrician.  

1. Bedside Manner – Be nice!  It doesn’t cost you a thing to smile, introduce yourself and spend a few moments getting to know me and my daughter. 

2. Knowledge – This should be a given.  After all, didn’t you attend medical school and have loads of information in that skull or at your finger tips that I don’t?  Isn’t that why you make the big bucks?

3. Courteous Staff – That bedside manner had better extend to your staff.

4. Time – I’ve paid for my visit.  I think a doctor should take the time to spend at least 30 minutes with you.  

They should never be more booked than that.

Now, does that sound so bad?  Am I really asking too much?  You don’t think so either huh?  Then, please tell me why in the last 10 years I have only found two doctors that fit this description?  Are medical licenses now coming out of a cereal box?  Is it because only rich people can afford to become a doctor, so they therefore think they are better than the patients that they treat?

In case you couldn’t tell, we had a pretty horrid experience this morning.  Our appointment was for 7:50am.  I got there right on time and the door was locked.  So I stood outside with my cranky two year old, in the rain, for 25 minutes until they opened the door.  The girl at the counter never apologized but was otherwise really nice.  She had me sign a bunch of stuff and we sat down.  At 8:45 I was finally called back.  Kaylee through a fit about having to leave the front area with the fish and her new friends, she threw herself down, I struggled to pick her up and get going.  The burse came over picked her up, but she wasn’t nice about it.  

She acted as if I was a horrible mom for letting my child act this way in public, and she had kids!

The nurse basically stood in the room with us with her laptop and never said a word.  She didn’t introduce herself, she didn’t smile.  Heck we may as well have not been in there with her.  Finally she left and in came the doctor.  I got an introduction, no smiles.  She was in and out.  She looked Kaylee over, asked if I had any serious concerns, which I had a few (which she dismissed and didn’t explain) and left.  Someone came and gave her shots and then she had a blood prick for her iron count.  This all took 15 minutes.  I’m not kidding.

I guess most people would be happy to get in and out, but not me.  I had questions about development and things like that.  She never gave me a chance to ask them. 

Kaylee’s old pediatrician in Asheville was so nice, but stupid.  She didn’t seem to know anything about babies.  If this is what I get for complaining about her old pediatrician I am so very sorry. 

Baby 101

Newborn Kaylee

When we brought our daughter home from the hospital 2 years ago my husband and I were so lost in so many ways.  We had questions and out Pediatrician didn’t know the answers.  Now, we didn’t have a great support system upon bringing home our baby, if you have one then you probably got the answers to those pressing questions.   All of our family was at least 2 hours away.

So, I was thinking about it, especially after reading my best friends post on Geekmom about support systems, and I thought I’d make a list of things that stumped us as parents; the stuff that we really wish someone had filled us in on.  And a little sage advice.

Bathing Baby – This isn’t easy to begin with.  What we couldn’t figure out was how to wash her butt!  Now I feel stupid because I think I was worried I either would break her or maybe I was scared of getting wet.  You just pick her up and wash her butt, lol.  Also, how do you wash their hair?  Especially as they get older?  I found a neat trick here; I tilted her back in the tub until I dunk the back of her hair.  The first few times I did this she freaked out so bad.  But I sang a little diddy and it seemed to make it okay after a few times of it.

Sunning Newborn - She had jaundice

Doctors – They don’t know everything, just because your doctor tells you something that doesn’t mean you have to follow it like it’s the law.  On the hand here though, don’t completely disregard what they say either, why else go at all?  The same goes for books.

Schedules – All babies are different.  I’m a schedule oriented person so I immediately tried to put her on a schedule like all the books said.  My daughter wasn’t having that.  I’d try to feed her and nap her on a schedule and she was not okay with this.  Not all kids like schedules, mine certainly didn’t.  It took me close to 7 months to figure this out.

There is so much more I could say, but I’ll save it for my next “class”.  The most important thing I can tell parents is that there is no owner’s manual that comes with your new baby.  Babies really are a trial and error process.  Don’t worry; usually no babies get hurt in making of this homemade manual.

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Yoga for Beginners

Ouch

My mother in law (MIL) ordered me some yoga DVD’s that came yesterday in the mail.  I was very excited about it.  I have never done yoga.  I was excited to try it and see what all the talk is about.  Besides, I’m a pretty stressful person and I think yoga will help me chill out some.

So I fired up the For Beginners DVD today.  For Beginners my a**, maybe a beginner who has at least done this once.  I spent the most uncomfortable 15 minutes of my life trying not to fall over and bend into the most inconceivable positions while still looking at the screen while a toddler tried to climb onto my back.  That’s right, I went into downward dog and she scrambled right up there before I could say sun salutation.  So here I am practically begging my two year old to get off before she falls, and before the arms give out.  That was 5 minutes in.  I kept trying but this DVD was just too hard for me. 

I was feeling very sad and let down.  I had been excited about the yoga, hoping to spice up my exercise routine by adding something other than walking to it.  Besides, everyone raves about yoga.  I was looking forward to all the benefits that everyone swears to.

So, I popped in the DVD labeled For the Inflexible.  I think this one was meant for seniors.  Right away they offered a lesson with a chair.  I knew this would be better.  I spent the next 35 minutes curling around a chair and stretching in ways I haven’t since I was 16.  It was exhausting, but also exhilarating.  I’m not sure how relaxing since my toddler kept climbing on my chair and handing me hats.  But I do feel more relaxed.  I’m surprised by how much my muscles are tired.  I didn’t think yoga could be that good of an exercise.  My heart rate never increased (which I know is the key to burning calories) but I do feel the burn, as they say.

If you plan to try doing yoga at home with your toddler I’m going to warn you that you are in for some fun.  I’m hoping that the more I do the more interested she’ll become.  Maybe next time I do downward dog I won’t need a maddle.

Daddle.  Yes it is real.

Have you tried yoga but weren't able to do it at home because the DVD’s were to hard?  If so this is the DVD I’m using, Yoga For Beginners, Try it out.

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We Are the 99

You hear it everywhere these days.  Everyone has a sob story and there are protests all over our nation.  You can hear the outcry of American’s all over our fair country.  If you’re interesting in finding out more or where you can join the soft protests, as they are being called, go here.

Of course I’m part of the 99.  Who isn’t really?  Well, I guess that 1% but I doubt many of them are avid bloggers.  What makes me sad about all of this is that if the 99% had paid attention 10 years ago maybe we wouldn’t have gotten here in the first place.  I’ve been saying for longer than that something had to change.  President Clinton made some excellent strides towards putting us back on the right track.  You know that he didn’t really get props for that until now?  Then we had to occupy the big guy’s office with people who favor big business and overseas assistance.  No wonder we’re broke. 

Yada Yada Yada… I could go on and on, repeat all of the stuff you’ve already heard.  Instead I’ll say why I’m one of the 99, why I would march if I could (I have a toddler).

I don’t have health insurance.  It’s a choice that my husband and I have had to make.  He does (it’s free) and our little girl does.  She’s the important one.  The problem is that I’m the sick one.  I have a laundry list of health issues that no 30 year old should be displaying.  This could be because I was malnourished as a child, didn’t get the right vitamins or enough calcium.  It could just be bad genes.  I have no idea.  Today I found out that I more than likely have rheumatoid arthritis.  Without treatment my days as a writer and video game player are numbered.  Of course there will be no treatment, heck there won’t even be a test.  I was only able to go to the doctor because my MIL paid for it (which was so awesome of her).  Granted we’re not talking about tomorrow, probably 10 to 20 years from now.  I thought when the doctor told me what it probably was, no big deal I’ve always known I had arthritis.  Well, I didn’t realize how different it is.

I could go on about the rest of my list, but most of it is stuff that isn’t a big deal.  I’ve been preaching about Universal Healthcare for 10 years now.  If we had it I’d be fine and be able to get the help I need. 

There is no point in complaining.  I don't think anything is going to change my generation, but you know what?  I really want to help make a better country for my daughter and possible future children.  I really hope that we do somehow make a difference so that they can grow up in a better world than I did.  That's what it's all about.  I did want to get that link out there.  If you are at all interested in helping voice your beliefs about the 99 then go to the occupy site. 

Make a Difference.  Make a Change.  We are the 99.

Who wants my business?

I've written a great deal about the places that have made me angry and I realized that I might be starting to sound like a bit of a miser.  It’s about time I opened my mouth about the places that I find amazing, that I would recommend and get some good reviews out there.  I also have a few places that I’d like to mention that have been targets in the past that have made great changes.

AT&T – When my husband and I moved we decided to go with AT&T for our internet and cable.  Well actually we weren’t going to get cable at all, but they were having this really amazing deal on cable so we decided to get it for 6 months, while the deal was active.  It took over a month to get us set up, but the guy that came out to set it up was extremely nice. 

Well, if you are an avid reader of my blog, then you already know of this.  What you don’t know is what happened a few weeks ago (unless you have a wire tap or spy cam in my house).  I called because we were having so many issues with the bandwidth that we were having problems watching TV.  I figured I’d just cancel it now.  Plus the remote was giving me problems.  Without barely even a word from me this guy sends me out a new remote, gives me all the movie channels for free for the next 6 months and an additional $15/month off my bill for 6 months.  All just so I wouldn’t cancel my cable. 

Now that is service, and someone who wants my business.

Slimfast – Okay this is a little eerie.  I wrote a post awhile back about how Slimfast makes you sick to the stomach.  It’s not just me; it’s painted all over the internet (this is a pun if you read the other post, tehe).  Three weeks ago Slimfast released their new formula.  No more sick tummy.

Slimfast, you read my mind.  And I went back to using you J

Duke Power – This is one of the power companies in North Carolina.  They are so amazing.  They offer all kinds of services to help you figure out how to lower your bill.  And I just got a kit in the mail from them with 15 free green light bulbs in it, the kind that last 5 years.  They just saved us a bundle of money.

Duke Power, you are the best power company I have ever had.

There are so many more I’d like to mention, but for now these guys really stand out in my mind.  I’ll add more as they cross my path.  I don’t want to be one of those people who only complain about things, it’s also important in life to talk about the good things.

On that note, I’m going to lay in my comfy bed.  Good Night.

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Our Best Halloween Ever

This will go down in history as the best Halloween ever.  I’m not silly, I know that there will be better Halloweens, but the reason this will be the best is because this is our first best.

Princess Kaylee

Vampire Hunter Tom

It didn’t start out the best.  On Saturday we went to the downtown Newton event thinking it would be great.  Unfortunately it was really the opposite.  There were lines everywhere with at 30 people in them.  The waits were 10 plus minutes.  And you were waiting to play games, like at a fair.  Not one of those games was toddler friendly.  I was very disappointed.  Especially after last year, having seen how Fletcher had their Halloween Festival, this just didn’t stack up.  We got in our first line but it was about 50 degrees out so Kaylee only lasted 15 minutes and we had to go back to the car.  I would actually like to write The City of Newton a nice letter with suggestions for them to make that party a hit next year.  I’m thinking about it. It wasn’t hosted by The City of Newton; it was actually hosted by a local grocery store called Honey’s.  I’m not sure the city is aware that this could be a perfect opportunity for them to make some money, silly people.

Then we headed to the party hosted by Tom’s Lieutenant, see my previous post about that one.  I think Tom and I will be chuckling about that for years. 

Emily & Kaylee

After these disastrous places I was really beginning to think we would have another fail Halloween.  My best friend Mandy and her daughter, who is Kaylee’s BFF, came over for Halloween and we decided to trick or treat at the mall in Hickory, Valley Hills Mall.  I was worried about crowding and so many other things.  But they wowed me.  We were late, which was my fault, so we probably didn’t get the best of the candy.  You know the early birds always catch the best chocolate.  But it was still awesome.  We got lucky and a lady gave us her car shaped stroller, which normally costs $5 to rent.  Kaylee and Emily traded off and sat it in, although Emily was very excited to present her bucket to each person and say “trick or treat” (She’s a year older than Kaylee).  Kaylee was a bit shyer and made mommy carry her bucket but she still had a blast. 

Then came Kaylee’s favorite part, there was a dance party.  It was specifically for kids and it was amazing.  They had all of these great Halloween and party songs (chicken dance and electric slide) and a huge dance floor for the kids.  Kaylee and Emily danced for longer than they collected candy I think. 

Kaylee on the Carousel

On the way out we hit the carousel they have in the food court.  You heard me right, a full sized carousel in the food court.  Both girls loved this part, although they were getting quite tired at this point.  Mandy and I got a little sick from all the round and round, but it was worth it for the girls.  The best part is that you have to get cute little token to ride it.  It’s very reminiscent of my childhood.

So, you can see how this was the best Halloween ever.  We brought the girls home and they went right to bed.  Then Mandy and I got to have mommy time, which was only the 3^rd time we have ever been alone.   We plan to go to the mall again next year, but hopefully get there early.