Toxic Relationships

Most of us have had them. They're difficult and many times we don't even recognize it for what it is until we're out of it. So how are you suppose to know if you're in a toxic relationship?

#1 Is it ever about you?

If you're in a toxic relationship then there is no give and take. Or if there is it is very rare. It's always about the other person, they never seem to have time to talk about what's on your mind or when you bring up your problems they mutter words like yeah or uhuh. They offer you no emotional support.

#2 You can't be yourself

If you find that you have to pretend to be someone else then it's not a healthy relationship. If you have to keep parts of your feelings and thoughts compartmentalized then it's time to get out.

#3 Do you have good times? Can you enjoy them?

Sometimes you will manage to have good times with a toxic friend. The question is whether you can enjoy those good times. Are the colored because of all the bad and unhappy? Or maybe this person is obsessed with being pessimistic so all they talk about are the bad things.

#4 Lies

This person lies to you. Sometimes it starts out as small lies, but you eventually start to catch them in big ones. Lying is never okay. If you really care about someone then you should speak the truth with them (unless it's does my butt look big in this, be nice too).

#5 Drama

It seems like some dramatic thing is always going on in this person's life. Now some people do legitimately have some crazy stuff happen, so don't judge too harshly. But does this person like to make a mountain out of a molehill? Is the month absolutely ruined because they weren't able to get the exact table cloth they wanted for their kids birthday?

So those are some of the signs. What do you do with a toxic relationship? This one's hard. You have to decide whether this person is completely toxic and adds no value to your life. Cutting someone out of yours is a huge decision and not something you should do lightly. Maybe the person meets 2 of the above criteria but not the others. It's a tough decision and should be well thought out.

But how do you do it? It's simple. But still the hardest thing you will ever do. You must tell them nicely and simply that you cannot be friends or a couple anymore. You can give them specific reasons why, but do not turn it into something where you point out all of their flaws. It is probably best if you plan what you're going to say in advance and maybe even write it down. Then you cut all contact. No Facebook, no email, no phone calls, no texting. Don't allow yourself to be harassed, bullied or allow your pity to drag you back in. You have to cut the cord completely. It's very hard.

How do I know? I did it. Over a year ago I ended a friendship with a toxic friend. It took a long time to work up to it. I will not put their name here to protect this person. Because no matter what happened, I hope this person will someday heal and become healthy and whole. Will I ever be friends with said person again? No. Our friendship could never move past where it had been before.

This person fed my depression. They were always focused on the negatives and never able to enjoy life. This person helped me focus on the negatives in my life and fed a female part of me I had never been interested in before and taught me to be a horrible gossip. I felt I could never tell this person the truth regarding certain things because they were very mentally unstable. I was always frightened I would hurt them. They were a "one upper". If something happened to me they had it happen to them but only worse.

Was it hard? Yes. It was harder than any boyfriend I ever broke up with and harder than ending my first marriage. Why? Because cutting the cord completely with the internet here made it difficult. I occasionally wanted to look them up and see how they were. But that would be going back on the deal I made with myself. So it's not allowed.

If you have a toxic relationship in your life think long hard before making any rash and difficult decisions. Am I happy I did what I did? Yes. It was part of the healing process necessary to make me the healthy person I am today. Remember that toxic relationships are very detrimental to us.