On Being A Stay at Home Mom

I recently visited my family who lives 8 hours away. It was the first time that I really realized how different I am and how much they don't understand me. They seem confused by my choice to be a stay at home mom. They were shocked to discover that I would do this again if given the chance. Now that I'm returning to work everyone seems to think that I should be excited to return to the real world, excited to drop my child off in someone else's hands.

I'm not. Not even the slightest.

Yes, I'm wearing a smile on my face and trying to act positive. I try to see the benefits to returning to work and of Kaylee entering preschool. But it's all an act. I am attempting to convince myself that this is a good thing. After all, Kaylee will be ridiculously happy to be in preschool. And I need a job so that I can earn some of those little green pieces of paper so that I can support myself and my daughter.

So, I'll keep pretending to be happy about this change, because they say that if you pretend hard enough sometimes it comes true.

But, what about my life as a stay at home mom? What made me decide to do this? A woman who came from a family who never stayed at home. To whom kids are something that grow up on their own.  A family who utilized daycare or family members for babysitting starting at 6 weeks. Whom never discussed parenting techniques or how to get a 6 month to sleep. How on earth did I come to decide to do this, to love doing this? This crazy way of life that has almost become extinct in the 21st century as the American family strives to make the most money, own the most things and have the biggest house.

Let me add that I have nothing against those who choose to return to work immediately or later. I think there is a place in this world for all types of moms; working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms. It takes all kinds, and not everyone is built to be a stay at home mom.

In fact when I first did this I thought I'd go insane. I was bored out of my mind and convinced this wasn't for me either. There was no way I could do this for years and years. What was I suppose to do all day? There's only so much time that can be spent cleaning and cooking. I took to watching far too much TV and playing too many video games. Of course I was also in deep Post Partum Depression so that didn't help any. But I had no example of the life I should be leading or how to do this crazy stay at home mom stuff.

Then I just started to figure it out. I read some books, I joined some playgroups. What did I do with my day?

I taught my daughter: To talk, the ABC's, potty trained her, to read, to write her name, made crafts, painted, to smell things, how to buckle her seat belt, to blow her nose, to eat, her colors, which shoe goes where, left and right, who her relatives are, how to play games, how to kick a ball, how to vacuum... I could be here all day. But I taught her almost every single thing she knows. Me. Not some person that I paid almost all of my paycheck to. Me.

What did she teach me? Patience. To stop and smell the roses. To love with abandon. Who I really am. What I want to do with my life. That I love kids with a passion. That it's okay to cry from joy. That life can be moving and passionate and joyful.

Yes, being a stay at home mom has done all of those things for me and more. The way it has transformed me is indescribable. That is why I'm frightened. I'm frightened to return to that clinical world of numbers. That world where a paycheck is the most important thing. Where you weigh your accomplishments by what you drive, where you live and what your title is. Because that's not who I am anymore. Now I'm a mom. My reward for what I do is hugs and kisses. Smiles in the morning and the sweetest little I love you's. Those are the greatest rewards in the world.

So, yes I will return to work. But it is with a heavy heart. Because I'm leaving the job that I really want to do. The best job I've ever had.

Being a mom.